7 years ago today my life was forever changed. I made a commitment to Justin, God, and my family to honor and cherish my husband until death parts us. Some of you know, but most of you don’t, that the past year has been a challenging one for me personally and my marriage. I refuse to go much deeper into to the details, as quite frankly, they are no one’s business.
I am compelled to say this much….
I have some advice for newly engaged and married couples. It’s probably advice you’ve heard before, and it’s probably advice you will ignore. But, someday down the road, when all the magic and bliss you are feeling is completely depleted and you have nothing left to run on but a commitment you made before God and family, you will remember this advice and wonder why in the world you thought you were better or different than those giving it.
Here is my advice…
Marriage doesn’t “just happen.” It takes work. Always. You don’t get to coast, and you don’t get to coexist. You must constantly take inventory of each other’s feelings and desires and work to reach agreement. And by agreement, I mean compromise. Which means that sometimes you will be sacrificing and it won’t feel good. Once you become married, you give up some of your individuality. And if you are not constantly communicating and compromising with your spouse you will become resentful. This happens gradually until one day you wake up and wonder what happened to the bliss you once had. It will have slipped through your hands and you will be at a loss on how to get it back. And once you get to this spot it is easy to let Satan into your life and make mistakes. You will selfishly hurt your spouse out of revenge. You will bottle it up and go dead inside. And if you really let it go, you will do both.
Back to the whole sacrificing and not feeling good about it…I’m going to expand on that. Sometimes marriage requires that you do things for “US.” Which means that you do things you wouldn’t do as an individual, but you realize that it is something that benefits your spouse, and in turn benefits your marriage as a whole (“US”), and by benefitting “US” you are benefitting yourself. Basically what I’m saying is that allowing yourself a little discomfort now prevents you from feeling a lot of discomfort and destruction later. No pain, no gain!
There are two words that you should eliminate from your vocabulary… they are “never” and “always.” The second you believe that you or someone else would “never” or “always” ….do/say/be… something, you are setting that person up to fail. God is the only one you can say “never” or “always” about. To do so with a human is to place them on the same level as God. NEVER say NEVER! And the second you say ALWAYS about someone, they will eventually prove you wrong! Good or bad! We can have intentions as humans, and we can work hard to carry them out. But we can not be 100% sure of the future or ourselves.
What works for Justin and me, and what I would strongly suggest for all married couples, is to put your agreements in writing. Contact form. Signed, framed, and easily accessible. I know this sounds so unromantic, and that things will always come naturally for you. And who knows, maybe they will. And if that’s the case you should have no argument in drafting your contract (hardy har har har!) It’s a simple little tool that we use to hold each other and ourselves accountable in our marriage, and it has been working wonderfully for us.
Basically what we did was both came to the table with our lists of needs and desires, and negotiated. Learning about our love languages was helpful for us as well. Our contract is pretty specific, and we intended for it to be that way, so neither one of us could bend it. Here it is. Short, sweet, and specific…
The Contract of “US”
Entered into by Liz and Justin Nieman
for the good of their marital and family life.
- Liz agrees to do Justin’s cattle chores 1 day per week during January and February- 3 days per week during March – Every day possible in April and May – 3 days per week during June, July, and August – Every day possible in September, October, and November – and 3 days per week in December. Justin places confidence in Liz that she will prioritize additional farm work appropriately and at her discretion.
- Justin agrees tto do the dishess. He also agrees to set aside Sundays for family time. One weekday afternoon per week will be used as a “date night.” One weekend night per month will also be reserved for “date night” and can be used in place of a weekday afternoon. Liz places confidence in Justin that he will take the initiative in suggesting and scheduling some of these activities.
- 1 family vacation per year and 1 couple alone getaway per year shall be scheduled.
- Both parties agree to sit down and schedule family and work time once per week. Activities will be put on the calendar.
- Both parties agree to communicate about and allow for flexibility of scheduling and compromise.
And finally, I must say that when God is focused on, our marriage improves in ways I’d never have imagined. The closer to God we are, the harder it is for Satan to take hold. And taking victory from Satan is a very satisfying feeling. My last bit of advice for new lovers is to trust God always. It’s very hard to do, but the alternative is much harder and the consequences are not worth it. Listen to him, even when you don’t want to. Learn to discern God’s voice from Satan’s, as that is also very hard to do sometimes, especially when life gets challenging. Trust that God put you with your spouse for a reason, and that it is his intention to keep you there. You don’t have to know the reason, you only have to trust that there is one. Trust in the Lord, and you will be rewarded.
It’s crazy how much has happened in the past 7 years I’ve been married to Justin. Three beautiful lives have come into this world as a result of our union. We have experienced highs and lows I couldn’t imagine. We’ve grown in many ways and we’ve learned a lot. We have much to be proud of and even more to look forward to.
Justin is my partner in every sense. We work well together, and we have remained friends through thick and thin. We’ve been distanced from each other and we’ve taken on challenges together when almost all hope was lost. When our marriage was worn thin, we kept the dedication to figure things out. Sometimes it took one of us to pull the other one out of the temptation to give up. But Satan was never so strong as to get ahold of both of us at the same time. Our marriage cord was frayed at times, but the one strand that never broke was God.
“There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
“and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Ecclesiastes 4:8-12
Happy Anniversary Honey, here’s to many more.
Love,
Your Wife
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